a small step forward

Joined: 24 Oct 2006 Posts: 2 Location: LONDON

I guess i can attribute one of the main reasons for my depression to my childhood experiences. Im going to take a little step forward and write about something i have never spoken about. Maybe if i write, it will help my head.

I get confused at what age my abuse started but i can definately put it to the age of 6, but sometimes i feel like it was earlier, 5 years old. Thats my start anyway, memories that are vague around that time.

I remember being looked at first. Lots of occasions, he would come into my room and teh bathroom. Then the touching started. What he termed our little secretThis continued for a while. I was 6 when i broke my leg. I used to have my favourite blanket, a yellow one, which was tatty and had holes in it, but i was always with it. I remember my mum tried to replace it with another one, i cried and cried until i got it back. I was going outside to the garden. There was a big step to go down into the garden. I was dragging my blanket around with me and tripped on it, coming downstairs. I broke my leg. Apparently my dad tried to get me to stand, i didnt cry, just kept saing my leg hurt, went to hospital.
I was to kept in, it was a bad brake. My mum was epileptic and went into hospital the asme eving. Samee hospital, but different ward.
I used to cry because i wanted my mum and i didnt understand why she wasnt coming to see me, when my dad and brother were. I was told later that my mum used to be pushed down in a wheelchair to see me, but this always was sadly while i was asleep, so i dont remember. Maybe things would be different if i did, i guess i will never know.
As my mum was raelly ill with her epilepsy, her mum came to stay with us and look after us. Dad was a night worker, who slept most of the day and would leave the house early evening.
Nan wasa lways forgettful and tired all teh time, so mum got some of her friends to help out. One of her friends bringing along that man.
I remember claerly the pain and confusion i felt when his touching moved onto something else entirely. I was recovering at home at that time, hence the age 6. He claened me up afterwards. I was sore for days, but didnt raelly understand what had happened. Months later it would move onto to me having to touch him too.
I felt anger towards my mum, for not being around, she would stay in hospital a lot longer then me. When she came home, i wouldnt speak to her. I talked to dad, i understood he was going to work, but i didnt understand about my mum. They went to the doctor, he told them that i wasnt spaeking to my mother because i was showing my hurt, taht she wasnt around. But although i dont remember not talking to my mum. I remember the anger and confusion i felt towards her.

Thats all i can say, sorry.